Starbucks

Unless your name is Patrick Star and you live under a rock, I'm sure you've seen the very controversial holiday cup that Starbucks unveiled this past Saturday. The "controversy" started when one "Christian" posted a video to his Facebook page, claiming that Starbucks had prompted a war on Christianity... Because their holiday cups were plain red. To understand how stupid this is, lets take a look at the holiday cups that Starbucks has released in years past...

As you can see, the cups from years' past have contained poinsetta flowers, sparkles, pine trees, reindeer, and ornaments. All the things Jesus preached about in the Bible. Here's this year's holiday cup:

This little demonic red gradient cup comes with a gold sparkly sleve as so you don't burn yourself on the satanic liquid within. How thoughtful of them! Social media made SUCH a big deal out of this little red cup that I decided to dance with the devil. I decided that today, Friday the 13th, I would walk into hell (aka Starbucks) and purchase myself a little cup of sin. So I did just that. Here's what I found as I ventured into the Devil's realm on this most unholy of days:

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Caution:
The images you're about to see may be offensive to some audiences. Children and the elderly should exercise caution when viewing these images. Make sure you're seated as to avoid any fainting spells.

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​The first thing I saw when I walked into hell were festive decorations. It was obvious to me at this point that I'd bitten off more than I could chew. These little "hell bells" as I'm calling them were obviously wrapped around the entire building as a distraction. They want you to pay attention to the "hells bells" instead of Satan behind the counter mixing your order with his forked tongue. Lets continue:

Here you see bags of ground-up fecal matter from the Devil himself labeled "Christmas Blend". This was obviously shocking to me, since I had previously been told that Starbucks had waged a war on Christians and were consequently boycotting Christmas and all things Jolly. Luckily I kept my wits about me.

​Imagine my shock to see PORTABLE "hell bells" just like the ones decorating the building! I believe the goal here is to buy this package and take it home to decorate your pentagram and prepare for your next blood sacrifice. These hell bells were obviously hand crafted by the Devil himself, each one enchanted with satanic intention and glistening with the tears of lost souls.

It was only when I saw these sweet treats that I realized the Devil was upon me. The Devil himself had baked these pastries and designed them in a way that appealed to the inner child inside all of us. It was too late for me. I had let my guard down and I had fallen down the rabbit hold of Satanic intention and demonic perversion. And then I stepped up to the counter and ordered my coffee.

"What can I get started for you today?" - Those cheery words will haunt me for the rest of my tortured days on this Earth. I had done this to myself. I knowing walked into the den of the Devil and had been drawn in by his hell bells and ground defecation.

Possessed by the Devil, I ordered and payed for my coffee. A triple Pumpkin Spice Latte with no whipped cream. I watched the woman behind the counter prepare it, wondering if she had any idea that she was preforming the Devil's deeds. I knew deep down that I would receive a cup of sin which the Devil would enchant to taste like my normal drink.She handed me my cup, which I contained the blood of my enemies. I couldn't bear to drink it. It was 30 minutes later sitting at my desk before I took the first sip:

​My first sip.
​To the untrained eye I may appear to be enjoying myself, but hot tears were pooling in my eyes. Tears as hot as the fires of hell.
Aka Starbucks.

​My worst fears had been realized. The blood of my enemies tasted shockingly familiar. Almost like a triple pumpkin spice latte with no whipped cream. In my mind I knew this cup of sweet sin was just another mind trick and that I was being manipulated by the Devil himself. 

​It was then that I realized that maybe this was all a big crock of shit. I realized at this moment that Starbucks hadn't been taken over by demonic forces. I realized there was nothing satanic about my triple pumpkin spice latte. I realized that social media gives everyone a voice, even the idiots.

​Tears were shed as I dropped my suspcions and embraced my pumpkin spice latte with all the love and respect one can allow a coffee to recieve. We made up, and I solemnly swore to never ever take the words of idiots on social media to heart ever again. 

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The End.

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It's just a cup.