Reflection

**Disclaimer: This post is not going to be like some of my other posts. This post is going to be mostly me rambling about my progress and where I want to be. If you don’t like posts like this, carry on about your life. I won’t even be mad.**

So when I started this whole fitness thing, I really didn’t know where I wanted to end up. I really was just kind of shooting in the dark. I decided to set a goal for myself – to be under 200 pounds. I set that goal strictly so I could say “I’ve got a goal I’m working towards”. It  never occurred to me that I wanted to be under 200 pounds. Not so much I didn’t want to be under 200, I just never thought I would be. I didn’t think I could. I just wanted to have a goal, so I made one. That goal didn’t mean anything to me.

Somewhere around 230, I realized I could actually hit my goal. That was sort of a revolutionary thing. Looking back, that was also the time I started kind of coming into my confidence. So maybe those two things go hand and hand. I’m not sure. Around that time I really started asking myself – Who do I want to look like? My answer to myself was immediately Khloe Kardashian. You don’t have to like her or tolerate her, but her body is on a level of magical fleekness I can’t even comprehend. So naturally I wanted to look like her. I looked up her weight and the only estimation I could find (never confirmed) was that she weighed 170 pounds. 

I thought, I can do that. If I can get to 200, I can certainly get to 170. From that point on, I was in beast mode. I was actually visualizing my goal every single day. Even though 200 was my “goal”, I felt more passion and dedication once I decided on 170. So here I am. I’ve just gone under 200, and now I’m on my way to 170.
Let me pause here and say it’s still really surreal to me that I’ve actually lost 67 pounds. That’s ¼ of my body weight and that kinda f*cking crazy to me. If you’ve ever done something really drastic to your hair- you know what I mean. Say you have long blonde hair and you decide to dye it back. In the morning you wake up and you feel like nothing has changed, and you look in the mirror and it legitimately scares you. Like who is this person and why does she look just like me? When I think “I need a new outfit”, my mind automatically thinks “I’ll swing by Lane Bryant”. I don’t yet realize that Hey, I can shop at other places with cute clothes. I can shop where my best friend shops. I don’t have to go to Lane Bryant.

I guess some people may call that body dysmorphia; I’m not qualified to say I have that particular condition. But most days I don’t feel like a 200 pound woman. I still feel like myself. Almost 270 walking around in my Lane Bryant jeans. 

Anyway. Going forward obviously the goal is 170. Actually 166.6, because just for the hell of it I want to be able to say “I’ve lost 100 pounds” and be completely serious. I guess this goal is about proving to myself that I can. I came up with this handy dandy little chart using all of my magical mathematical skills and determined that if I lose 2.5 pounds a week (entirely realistic for me by the way) I’ll be at my goal of 166.6 by the first of the year. My whole journey has been preparing me for this. I know how to moderate my cheat meals. I’m used to drinking enough water to hydrate a small African village. I am made for this shit.

I’ve got wonderful friends and family that are supporting me, and have from the beginning. Looking back, my decision to lose weight was something that literally no one in my life tried to fight me on. And that’s the end of that paragraph because that last sentence speaks volumes about the dynamic of my life.

I’m really bad at compliments. Like if I were to make a list of the things I’m really bad at, taking compliments would be right up there next to peeing standing up. Actually I think I’ll make that list right now.

• Peeing standing up
  
• Taking compliments
  
• Making myself gag/throw up
  
• Stopping myself from crying once I’ve started
  
• Distinguishing shades of the same color
  
• Cooking almost anything that doesn’t come with directions
  
• Asking someone I know for something I want/need
  
• Letting other people spend money on me
  
• Having just one drink
  

That’s just for future reference by the way. There’s absolutely no reason anyone needs to know what I’m bad at. I’m sure my best friend could come up with a few more things I’m bad at. In fact I added those last three just for you, Krista.

Anyway. Really bad at compliments. Losing this much weight I get compliments on a daily basis. Online, it's not a problem because I can just say “Thank you!” and adding a cute emoji. But compliment me in person and literally my entire nervous system shuts down. I can’t even form thoughts, much less an appropriate response. So if you’re one of the people that have complimented me in person, I’m truely sorry for my response at the time, and thank you for your kindness. 

Sorry if this Blog was all over the place. I, myself, am kind of all over the place. But I don’t feel like sharing that with you guys right now. Mainly because I’m on the verge of a legitimate psychotic break.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a great rest of your day, and God bless.